In the last post, I wrote that one of the common things that men who struggle with SSA deal with is emotional immaturity, which is brought about by not going through some of the common experiences that other males go through that help them to mature in the process. I stated that a common trait was that we are egocentric, and I also alluded to our tendency to having difficulty in dealing with our emotions. I want to flesh that out a bit, as it can be a barrier to our ability to benefit from Reparative Therapy, both in one-on-one sessions with a therapist and in a group setting.
I want to add a disclaimer that applies to this series of posts: While there are several root issues that are common to the experiences of those who deal with SSA, not everyone responds in the same way. I know a lot of men with SSA who do not deal with all of the things that I will be writing about. I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am speaking broadly, and that I am not saying that everyone who has SSA fits this pattern exactly.
As children grow up and interact with their peers, one key life lesson that they learn is that not everyone is going to like them, and that is okay. They learn to deal with rejection in a manner that allows them to understand that their self-worth is not dependent on what others think about them. They are then able to receive affirmation from others. For those of us who detached emotionally from others, this was not something that we experienced. Speaking for myself, as a child I was so used to being rejected and ridiculed by others that it became impossible for me to receive any type of affirmation. If someone did say something nice or encouraging to me, I did not believe that they were being sincere. This led me into a pattern of what I call “collecting wounds.” I saw rejection in every interaction with others, regardless of what their intention was. This only served to reinforce my detachment. Males in particular have a habit of razzing one another, calling each other names, teasing them when they do something wrong, etc. Odd as it may sound, it is a way of building comradery among a group of guys. As I grew older, I learned to hide the hurt such interactions caused me and also learned how to give as good as I got. I was never able, however, to shake the feeling that they really meant what they were saying.
I bring this up because it was not until I started counseling with Joe Dallas that I was even aware that this was something that I was doing. As we talked about how I felt about how I related to the men whom I worked with at the time, I began to realize that I was taking everything that was said to me personally and using it as an excuse to continue to isolate myself from others. Emotionally, this was not an easy thing to admit to myself. It meant that I was no longer able to play the victim and now had to take responsibility for how I felt. Overcoming this pattern in my life led me to be able to receive affirmation from others, which led to an increase in my self-confidence.
In the live-in program, we had a phrase that we used to describe some of the men who went through the program, and that phrase was “terminally different.” It was used to describe men who felt that the issues that they were dealing with, the problems that they faced, were so bad and so unique that they felt that they should be able to exempt themselves from doing all the normal things that the program required of them. They felt this was because they honestly believed that the normal things were not sufficient to bring about the changes that they desired. Believing this gave them a sense of worth in a negative sense. They had built their identity around their brokenness. They often had a very heightened sense of victimhood. They, generally speaking, were very needy and wanted lots of special attention from the leadership of the house, reacting with hurt and anger when they did not receive what they felt was due to them.
As a house leader in New Hope’s live-in program, I can remember talking one-on-one with such individuals, trying to get them to understand that what they went through, while painful for them, was not uncommon for men who have SSA. They would respond, “Yes, but you don’t understand,” and “I am different, my situation was worse than others.” To be honest, sometimes they were correct. One man’s grandfather started sexually abusing him when he was three, and the abuse continued until he was fifteen.
Yet, one of the problems in believing that you are a victim is that you wait to be rescued, instead of taking the necessary steps to change your situation. It was in situations like this that the live-in program’s emphasis on the dynamics of group therapy really helped. There is something about being called out by your peers that has an effect on people that does not happen when you are being told the same thing by someone in leadership. I could suggest that perhaps they needed to really examine how they felt to see it if was realistic or not. On the other hand, the house could tell them to, “Suck it up and quit feeling sorry for yourself,” or “Prince Charming is not going to come and rescue you,” or “If you want things to be different, then do something about it yourself.” While it might sound harsh, oftentimes it was exactly what they needed to hear. I realized early in my program year that while many bad things had happened to me that I did not have control over at the time, it did not mean that I did not have the ability to control my response to what had happened. That realization gave me back my power to help change how I responded to things now. I was no longer a victim.
Fear of failing is another common trait among men with SSA. The reality is that it is a common trait among males in general. For many of us, when we failed as children, we were shamed and ridiculed. This often led to a reluctance to try again, fearing the same response if we failed again. When we do not try, we do not learn that we can indeed do more than we thought we could.
When I started my current job, 28 years ago, I had never done any kind of maintenance before. My job interview consisted of me telling the man who would become my boss, “I can’t even pound a nail in straight, but if you are willing to teach me, I am willing to learn.” The sense of confidence I developed as a result of learning new skills really worked hand in hand with what I was learning in the program at the time. It just took a willingness to try new things that I had never done before. Howard