Frank Worthen, when asked what motivates people to change, would often respond by saying, “It is only when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, that most people will try to do something about their life.”
That was certainly true with me. For many years, in spite of how unhappy I was, I continued to live my “normal” life. I had learned to cope with my pain, keeping it under control by numbing myself with drugs and alcohol. I am what is called a “functional alcoholic,” meaning I was able, in spite of my drinking and drug use, to maintain a steady job. I kept my work life and my personal life completely separate, which allowed me to remain in the closet. While I have no illusions that I was completely successful in hiding my same-sex attractions, no one ever called me on it. There was a period of about three years in my early twenties, when I was mentored by Christian men, that I had some measure of victory in my life. But, eventually, I fell back into my old patterns and quit going to church. I did not stop believing in God. Rather, I quit believing that change was possible. In my early thirties, I began to lose control of the ability to maintain the farce that I had created of my life. Looking back, I can see that God was moving in my life to bring me to a place of abject brokenness. As I said, I did not quit believing in God, and God certainly did not give up on me. The Holy Spirit was relentless in bringing conviction, never allowing me to get comfortable in my sin.
I would like to do a quick segue and speak about something that I feel is important for the family and friends of those who deal with not only SSA, but other deep-seated issues such as addiction, to realize. As I said earlier, I was involved in a very good church for about three to four years. The pastors were supportive of me and my desire to not give in to my attractions. One man in particular, Barney, whom I have written about before, was especially close to me. When I decided to leave the church, Barney and his wife came to me and talked to me about my decision, urging me to remain in fellowship in spite of my moral failures. Once they knew that I was not going to change my mind, they told me that they loved me, and would continue to pray for me, and to entrust me into God’s hands. They watched from afar as my life begin to spiral downward, and though Barney would on occasion reach out to me, reminding me that he and his wife would be there if I were ever to need them, they never attempted to rescue me from the consequences of my actions. I said all that to say this: do not be too quick to step in and try to rescue someone from the mess they find themselves in. There is a truism in AA and in recovery ministries that says, “Rock bottom is a good foundation on which to rebuild your life.” You can actually hinder what God may be doing if you bail someone out and prevent them from coming to the end of themselves. I know that it is hard to watch someone you love, especially if it is your child, ruining their life, but please seek God’s wisdom before intervening.
As I started to write this series of posts, I realized I have only dealt with men who were doing what they were doing because they were motivated by their Christian faith. Once I started to do research on why some men (and women) seek professional help, it became clear that some began this process because being gay does not fit who they feel they are. They do not want to live at the edge of society, as it were. These men often desire to be married and to raise children. Others have lived as gay men and have found it to be a shallow and empty way of life. Such men usually are starting to age and find that they are no longer considered attractive to others. They are not motivated by any moral or ethical concerns about having sex with other men. While there may be many reasons someone might not want to be “gay,” and therefore seek out therapy or other forms of help in dealing with their SSA, probably the biggest reason someone continues to decide to fight their attractions remains their faith in God.
The next question is, why do some men continue to resist their attractions, and why so some give up and return to their old lifestyle? It has been my experience that approximately twenty-five percent or so of the men who seek help succeed, success being defined as never returning, long term, to their old pattern of living.
My first year with New Hope’s live-in program was an eye opener in many ways. Everyone in my program year completely uprooted their lives in order to enter the program. They gave up jobs, homes, leaving everything behind, all in an effort to overcome their SSA. Our ages ranged from late thirties to mid-fifties. All of us had experienced some form of crisis in our lives, which was the immediate motivation for coming into the program. The program was very structured and restrictive in the beginning, and as time passed, we were granted greater freedom as we were able to show we could be responsible in our choices. I desperately needed that structure to break the old patterns in my life, and I found a freedom that I had never experienced before as I gave myself to following the guidelines. I was so deeply grateful for God giving me another chance. The same was true for the others. . . at least for the first month or so. By the end of February, most of the men in the house were complaining about not being able to do what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it. I was honestly astounded by their attitude, and I would challenge them on it, reminding them that they knew what they were getting into and reminding them what their lives were like before coming into the program. could not understand how, after giving up all they did to come to New Hope, they would now resist so strongly in giving themselves to what was asked of them. I asked Frank Worthen about this, and he told me that this behavior was not unusual. He likened it to the children of Israel coming out of Egypt. When they were under Pharaoh’s rule, their slavery was very apparent. But once they were set free, it was easy to forget just how bad it once was, especially when they were facing the hardships of the desert. It was at that point that the “leeks and garlic” of Egypt seemed so appealing to them.
That was the dynamics that were in play with the men of the program. The crisis that brought them to the program had begun to fade, and things did not seem so bad anymore. Now we were all faced with the reality of what “change” looked like when it was walking around on two feet, and not some romanticized version that we had constructed in our heads.
Frank would often remind us of what we were facing. He would tell us that we would have to go through a period of time where we would be in transition. We had given up our old life, but we did not yet fully have what God had prepared for us. This phase of change often can last for an undetermined amount of time before we can begin to see the fruits of our efforts. Sadly, our double-mindedness can prolong this period of time, for it requires an unchanging commitment to the process of growth that God has for us. We must shut completely the door that leads back to our former life, for if we leave it open even a crack, we will find ourselves standing at the door looking back at what we have left behind, instead of moving forward into the new life of freedom that God has for us. This is not to say that we will never make poor choices again, or even act out on our attractions once more, but if we do, we must go to God and seek forgiveness and restoration. It is not how many times you fall that matters in the long run, but how many times you get back up.
Howard