As I begin this series of posts, I am going to start out as I normally do, and that is to lay a foundation for what is to come. In that vein, I would like to begin by examining the issue of Christians using secular therapy in an effort to change their behavior, or feelings, whatever they might be. I have, in the past, had some pretty intense conversations around this issue with those who believe that all a Christian needs to do is to trust God and to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit to overcome any issue in their lives that they might face, and to do anything else is missing the mark.
I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, but strongly disagree with the second. The reason I do so is because I hold to the view that modern psychology is simply people working to understand three things: how God created humanity, what is required to develop into healthy human beings, and what happens when that created intent is not followed. For example, numerous studies have shown that children do best when they are raised in a home where both the father and mother are present and remain married. The same studies show that children, especially males, do not do as well when they are raised where the father is absent. This follows along with what God has ordained regarding how a family is to be structured. As another example of this, psychologists have shown that if a child is not given the attention that they need, they will at times act out in rebellion in an effort to gain that attention. Bad attention is better than no attention at all. Young boys that do not have their need for male affirmation met in a healthy way are more susceptible to being seduced by a pedophile than those who have had healthy male affirmation. I believe that the proverbs 27:7 illustrates this principle. I always recommend to those who are seeking counseling and are Christians to only go to a Christian counselor, so that any insight they might gain by counseling can be integrated with their faith.
Having said all of that, let me segue into the main topic of this post. Is it possible for someone who has same sex attractions to change their attractions, or is sexuality fixed and unchanging? One of the main arguments that gay rights advocates have used in the past to advance their cause is that you are born either gay or straight and that these attractions are immutable. From that position, they argue that being attracted to your own gender is simply a normal variation of human sexuality, and it is therefore ignorant and unfair to stigmatize those who are gay. I have over the years written several newsletters that cover this issue, and the short answer to both questions is, no, you are not born gay and sexuality is fluid, and for those who desire not to have same-sex attractions, change is possible.
It is important to define what “change” is, however. If someone deals with unwanted SSA, and through therapy those attractions are greatly diminished, though not completely erased, they have changed. If I once identified as “gay” and now I no longer do, that too is change. When I am counseling someone, I will often make this statement, “It is never going to be like it never was.” I believe, absent a divine deliverance, those of us who developed, as Dr. Moberly called it, a “homosexual condition” and then spent years acting out on those attractions, will always have some residue of SSA in their lives. This fact does not in any way deny the very real changes that occur in people as they learn how to deal with the deep, non-sexual root causes of SSA.
I first heard the term “Reparative Therapy” when I went to a church where Joe Dallas was speaking. As a result of that experience, I made an appointment to see Joseph Nicolosi who wrote the book, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality and was one of the founders of NARTH (The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality.) While I did not continue seeing him as a therapist, I did buy his book, and it opened my eyes to why I had the attractions that I had. My next statement may come as a surprise to you, but just as it is misleading to call every effort that seeks to change someone’s attraction or identity “conversion therapy,” it is similarly misleading to label every effort to change “reparative therapy.”
Let me quote from The Complete Christian Guide to Understanding Homosexuality by Joe Dallas and Nancy Heche: “Reparative Therapy is a phrase referring to counseling, psychotherapy, or other forms of psychological treatment for homosexuals who are in conflict over their sexuality. It derives from a theory that homosexuality represents unmet emotional needs or conflicts that need repairing, in which cases therapy should attempt to repair the damage or deficits the person experiences…. Reparative Therapy should not be used as an umbrella term covering every treatment approach for women and men with unwanted homosexual desires. Other forms of counseling or therapy may be designed to help such people, but without subscribing to all of the tenets of reparative therapy.”
There have been several different approaches to the treatment of homosexuality in the past, with some having a greater success in treating unwanted SSA than others. Yet it was not until Dr. Moberly’s insight into the dynamics of defensive detachment and same-sex ambivalence as a key contributing factor in the development of SSA that a new therapy model based on the concept of gender identity could be developed. One of the key ways that her insights have changed how therapy to those who seek help for SSA is approached is the dynamic of the relationships between therapists and their clients. Traditionally, therapists were to remain emotionally distant from their clients. With reparative therapy, therapists must become engaged with their clients, as one of the primary needs of clients is intimate male connectedness. The therapist must be the same sex as the client, in order to aid in the working through of any issues with the same sex parent. In reparative therapy, the relationship between the therapist and client is central to the process of growth.
Another aspect of reparative therapy is the use of group therapy. Learning to develop intimate, trusting, non-erotic relationships with other men will allow the men involved to learn that they possess in themselves all the maleness that they need. It is in this type of setting that men can learn to overcome their defensive detachment. New Hope’s live-in program was based upon learning to build such relationships.
It is unfortunate that most of the literature that is written on this topic is focused on male homosexuality. As I continue to write, when I think it is appropriate, and when I feel that I know what I am talking about, I will insert information about how reparative therapy may be applied to female homosexuality.
I will be primarily focused on the how reparative therapy is used to help men attain their goal of growing into a healthy masculine identity. Non-sexual root causes will only be mentioned in this context. For example, I will show how therapy is used to help men deal with any father issues they might have, rather than how the father issue might have influenced the development of SSA to begin with.
It is easy to conceptualize how therapy is used to help men attain their desired goals. What I hope to do in this series of newsletters is to show how it is applied in real situations that men face, or as I like to call it, “What does it actually look like when its walking around on two legs. Howard