A Parent’s Thoughts on Identity
by Anita Worthen
The Bible says: “be ready to say why you believe what you believe” (I Peter 3:15). All Christians are challenged on their beliefs sometimes, especially today when the words ‘tolerance of other’s lifestyle’ are considered the ultimate demonstration of love. Those who believe homosexuality is sin often feel they stand alone. I have had calls from moms who heard from a pro-gay person “You are the only problem your son has!” Personally, I was once told: “No wonder your son is gay”. These statements hurt, no matter how healed we are, but if our identity in Christ is secure we can stand under these verbal assaults.
As Christians we know our identity is in Christ, but what does that really mean? As some of us have loved ones that have their life set in another identity – the gay identity – we need to understand more about the meaning of identity. First of all, what does the word ‘identity’ actually mean? Here are some definitions:
- The state of being identical
- The state of being a specific person or thing and no other
- The distinctive character belonging to an individual
- To associate closely
- To consider oneself as one with another person (or group of people)
These definitions have powerful implications, because we’re born with the need to belong. Those without strong family roots may need this more than others. It helps us understand why kids join gangs and cults. The need to belong is very strong. A group enables us to become part of a larger unit and provides a sense of empowerment.
One example of identity is our race. Those who have been persecuted or separated from their people know this. I felt so thankful to be American when living in the Philippines. But first and foremost we are Christians and, as such, we cannot take on a sinful identity such as the gay identity, that opposes all Christ came to free us from. To identify with sin and to identify yourself with Christ at the same time is like mixing sweet and sour waters. They just don’t mix; there will always be conflict. [James 3:11]
Identity is God-given; He will not give us an identity that is in direct conflict with Him and His plans for us. This means that the homosexual identity is false. Why is this important for us to understand? Is it so we can argue better with our loved ones? No, but it is important that we understand why we believe what we believe. For those of us who have never experienced the homosexual life we can’t say, “I understand what you feel”, but we can know truth, that doesn’t change with what we have experienced in life. Whereas the world, especially the gay community, is crying out for us to water down the truth, in the name of “love.”
Because of the great price Christ paid for my sin, I cannot call sin anything other than sin. Did Christ die for nothing? No, He died to set man free so we can have an identity in Him. Let’s be careful not to cheapen what Christ did for us.
Why are so many wishy washy on this? Why do many back down from the truth and say, “Let them have their identity – they have suffered so much?” Probably because people don’t like to see others suffer, especially if they love them and are fearful of losing them. But to say that homosexuality is a God-given identity is to say that Christ is not enough of an identity. Your loved one suffers not because we don’t accept their identity, but because Christ doesn’t accept their identity and, as a result, they have no peace with God.
We all struggle, but our struggle is not our identity. I have an addiction to food, and am often tempted to turn to it for comfort. I am sure this problem has roots in my dysfunctional childhood but I continue to bring these struggles to God and He is helping me overcome this problem. It is less of a struggle today than it has been and I believe that it will lessen as I learn to turn to God more. I hope to one day be totally free of this temptation but, even if that never happens, I am not a glutton – that is not my identity! I am merely a Christian who struggles with eating.
“What does all this mean for me?”, you might ask, “I am not the one taking on this identity, it’s them that have the problem.” We need to be clear that our identity is a gift from God and came at a very dear price; the price was sending His own son to die so we could be set free from sin. We need to be clear in our own minds that to take on the gay identity and try to fit it in with our Christian identity is sin and that for us to say, “Maybe that’s okay,” is sin also.
Do we reject those who have accepted the gay identity or are confused about the whole thing? No, but we must love them without condoning their sin. We know the truth and must not waver from that. It isn’t love to say “sin is okay”, but don’t smash them over the head with the truth either!
Christ died to give me an identity. All men and women who give themselves to Christ become part of the family of God. The Bible says “I will put the lonely in families” [Ps. 68:6] He has made a home for us and will adopt us into His home. Now I know I belong and am living under the rules and boundaries of this new family and it feels good…real good.
The word identity has done for the homosexual some of the same things that being a Christian has done for me, providing feelings of belonging, of acceptance. The gay identity has enabled homosexuals to feel better about what they are doing. This has created conflict not only in the world but also in the body of Christ. As family and friends of homosexuals there has never been a more important time to be clear about what we believe. Although we all have struggles and temptations of one kind or another we must never allow them to define our identity, which is in Jesus Christ and Him alone.