Speaking from personal experience, I know I could not have reached the place I am today in Christ without the help, support, and correction of those who stood with me in my struggles. The simple truth of the matter is that no one will get very far in their life in Christ without being a committed member of the body of Christ. It does not matter what sin or temptation you deal with, God has placed each of us in the body, and He expects each of us to do our part in seeing that the body builds itself up in love. Being the introvert that I am, I would prefer going it alone, but God knows what He is doing, and He has placed me in a church that has had a long history of welcoming those with S.S.A. and who wish to walk with Christ. In this newsletter I am going to speak to those persons who deal with S.S.A. on how best to integrate themselves into the local body of Christ. If it is done right, all the blessings God intends to give through the church will be theirs. Do it wrong, and they can not only damage themselves, and can cause great hurt and confusion in the local church. These principles apply to anyone coming into a church with a serious life-dominating sin. One caveat though, before I start. Some strugglers have been raised in the church, so they will be familiar with how the church works, and therefore they will not have to deal with the culture shock that someone who has not been in church before might experience. It is primarily about the second group that I am speaking. Let’s get started.
The church has not always responded to those with S.S.A. with grace and compassion. In the gay community there is a lot of mistrust and suspicion towards Christians. While some of it is justified, a lot of it isn’t. For example, after the tragedy in Orlando, one gay person whom I know asked, “How come Christians are not condemning this brutality?” He was focused on the one or two pastors who were applauding what had happened, but he was ignoring all the others who were condemning it. So, I would tell the new believer, give the church a chance. Be willing to lay down your mistrust and allow time and experience to change how you view the church. Extend to church members you meet the same grace and understanding you want to be extended to you. Understand that for many in the church this is going to be a new experience, and while most will want to do the right thing, they are having to learn what the right thing is. If you walk in with a chip on your shoulder, expecting trouble, chances are you will find it. There is an adage that says, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything will start looking like a nail.” If you expect rejection, chances are you will find it, even where none was meant.
As I have stated before, one of the biggest blessings the Church of the Open Door gave me when I first started attending was that they treated me just like everyone else. For the first time in my life, I was able to live without this big scarlet “H” hanging over me. It was the thing that had always defined me, and now it did not matter. As a result, I was able to allow God to show me who I was, absent the shame I had always carried with me. For the first time, I was able to feel what it was like to be just one of the guys. To the struggler I would say, “Don’t expect to be the focus of everyone’s attention.” You are not being ignored, you are being treated like everyone else, and that (in the long run) is a good thing. You are going to have to learn how to relate differently, and that takes time. Real friendships take time and effort, whereas in the lifestyle, relationships are often shallow and based on emotion and physical attraction.
If you have ever been to an A.A. meeting, one of the first things you will notice is the brutal honesty that is practiced there. Those who are successful have dropped the pretense. They have been willing to take a long, hard look at themselves and are willing to change the things that need to be changed. They have found the freedom in being just who they are, and for the most part they are no longer worried about what others think about them. So to the struggler I say, “Learn how to let down your guard and allow others to see the real you.”
There is going to be a time and a place for this to happen, and you need to use wisdom when you do. For me, it was in the context of a men’s group; as other men shared their struggles with me, I was able to share mine with them, and for the first time in my life, be completely honest. As a result, the sense of shame and alienation began to leave me. Again, this did not happen overnight, it took time, there were wrong steps, and honestly times when I wished I had kept my mouth shut.
Through it all, I learned how to relate to other men the way men relate to each other. In the same vein, be willing to take correction. Listen to what others say, and pray about it. We oftentimes do not have an accurate picture of ourselves, and humbly allowing others to speak into our life and show us things about ourselves that we don’t want to hear is the way we grow. I had a rule of thumb when I was in the program; if something that was said to me angered me, then that was a sign that I needed to pay attention to it, because it was God putting His finger on a sore spot in my heart.
Lastly, “Be willing to serve, to give back to the church.” This includes financial support. One of the core principles of the Kingdom of God is, “Give and it will be given to you.” When I first started at Open Door, I began helping with the set up and tear down of the equipment every Sunday. Twenty-one years later, I am still at it. Find a need in the church and fill it. It does not have to be something big, and oftentimes it is better that it isn’t. Are there elderly in your church? Do they need help with their yard? Maybe it will be driving someone to the store, so they can do their grocery shopping. Everyone has a gift given to them by God to be used to build up the body of Christ. Find out what yours is and begin to operate it. Those of us who deal with S.S.A. are often self-focused; reaching out to others will help us to change that. In conclusion, extend grace, allow others in, serve, and you will grow in Christ.