Guilt: That Continual Crushing Weight

by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies

Guilt is epidemic in our culture, the driving force in many people’s lives. Some families run on guilt. It can be used as a great motivator. Parents use guilt on their children to manipulate behavior, and children use it on their parents for the same reason.

Our main focus here is on the guilt that threatens to overcome us in waves when we find out that our loved one is gay. Parents are the prone candidates for guilt. To their anguish, a child has gone astray. Soon they are stuck in the “if only” syndrome: “If only I had been a better parent…if only I had become a Christian earlier in life… if only I had lived the faith more consistently…” the list is endless. There are specific issues around which parents feel guilt. Let’s look at the most common:

I was an imperfect parent. This is true. But all parents make mistakes. So welcome to the human race! You are no different from any other parent. And let’s face the facts here: some kids from the worst homes come out smelling like a rose. Parents carry shame because despite the huge gains that have been made in terms of pro-gay activism, the majority of people in our society still disapprove of homosexuality.

I caused my child’s homosexuality. This statement is totally false and is probably the biggest lie you will have to stand against. No person has the power to cause another’s homosexuality. At worst, a parent-child relationship may be one factor in a whole complex group of influences.

Guilt can be such a huge issue to deal with that some people resolve this issue by revising their beliefs about homosexuality. Even Christians parents begin to reject the biblical position that homosexual behavior is sin. They now believe that God created homosexual men and women, and therefore same-sex relationships are normal. Soon these parents are marching with their children in gay-rights parades.

The Bible consistently forbids sexual activity outside of a lifelong heterosexual commitment. So we must reject the pro-gay reinterpretations of Scripture. Avoiding the truth does not resolve guilt. So what is the solution? Boldly facing the truth, then walking through the guilt to repentance and forgiveness.

It has been a great challenge for me to deal with the reasons my son became involved in homosexuality. But, it has become a lot easier since I established a safe place to vent my own feelings. In my private times with God, I can release the hurt, guilt and sorrow to Him. Then I experience His comfort and forgiveness. Here are a few specific steps that may help.

Seek insights on the past. In attempting to uncover the truth, be open to hear how your past actions have affected your loved one who has turned to homosexuality. Pray for the right timing and situation to ask your gay loved one directly. In private ask: “Because of my love for you, I’ve been trying to educate myself on the subject of homosexuality. Many researchers believe that family dynamics can contribute to this situation. If this is true for our family, I’d like to hear your insights.” Close the conversation by leaving the door open for future discussion.

Seek insights on homosexuality. Learn the basics about homosexuality. Many excellent Christian books can help you understand the problems your loved on must face in order to find genuine freedom.

Seek a new start for the future. You cannot change the past—but you can change the impact of the past. It’s never too late to begin laying a new foundation for your future relationship with your loved one.

While we can claim freedom from the guilt of our past actions, we can still be sad for the ongoing consequences of those actions.

Ironically, as I have accepted the sorrow over my past, I’ve found peace. Beneath the pain, there is a foundation of joy. I still experience deep sadness over my son’s situation, but my joy and peace run even deeper. I love 2 Corinthians 6: 10 in the Living Bible paraphrase, which says, “Our hearts ache, but at the same time we have the joy of the Lord.” God’s peace can comfort us at a deeper level than the emotional turmoil. Because of painful experiences in my own life, I have been able to reach out with empathy to other people in deep pain. Does that make my pain a “good” thing? No. But it has made my pain worthwhile.

Are you weighed down with guilt? Feeling like the burden of this discovery is killing you? The psalmist David felt like that too: “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.” He felt the same misery as we have felt: “I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.” Does this sound familiar? If so, you can find freedom in the same way as David, by seeking God’s forgiveness: “Have mercy on me, O God,” he prayed, “according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.”

Before Tony’s announcement of homosexuality, my usual pattern of facing guilt was denial. If I had done something wrong, I would avoid the guilt feelings by escaping into television and romance novels. The idea that I could admit my guilt and receive forgiveness was foreign to me. I knew that Jesus had died so that I could be forgiven, but I had little practical application of it in my daily life. Then came Tony’s confession. I couldn’t hide from the overwhelming guilt feelings anymore. I turned to God and really cried out to Him. I began to see the futility of my old escape patterns; they just couldn’t solve the problem. I could temporarily feel better (or forget about my situation) while watching TV, but as soon as the show ended, all the sadness and guilt came rushing back.

Then I read Jesus’ words in John 14. He said: “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” By this time I wanted more of Jesus in my life, and now I knew how to get it. Accepting God’s forgiveness was an exercise of my faith. Jesus died to give me the gift of forgiveness.

I read a helpful quote from Corrie ten Boom. She was discussing the verse which describes God’s attitude toward our sins: “You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” She states: Your (sin) is in the depths of the sea, forgiven and forgotten, and there is a little notice which says ‘NO FISHING ALLOWED.’ Corrie’s conclusion: “The forgiveness of Jesus not only takes away our sins, it makes them as if they had never been.” I began to realize that God had done His part in extending forgiveness, but I was having a difficult time in receiving it.

If we lean on God, trusting that His promises are true and that He will direct us each day, we can begin to experience the peace that we long to have in the midst of this traumatic family situation.